Episode Transcript
[00:00:02] Welcome to the Chroma Church podcast.
[00:00:05] Don't commit adultery, commit marriage.
[00:00:09] Say it again. Don't commit adultery, commit marriage.
[00:00:15] Right from the beginning, God's plan has been that a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. This is the plan of God. And, you know, you may be married here this morning, and that's his plan. You may be wanting to be married here this morning, and we'll pray about that later, but his plan is that it is not good for man and woman to be alone and that they would leave their family and they would come together and they would become one and be. Become one flesh. And Jesus picks up on this, and he says, therefore, what God has joined together, let not man separate.
[00:01:00] And Jesus is talking in two contexts. He's talking in the context of divorce and in the context of fidelity.
[00:01:10] He's saying, you can't get a new model just because you're fed up with the one you have.
[00:01:17] Okay? You know, you've been married a few years, and you're like, oh, I think I'll trade her in for a new model. He's saying, don't do that. You know, when your car breaks down, you can go and get a new one. When your marriage is breaking down a bit, you water it and you breathe new life into your. Into your marriage.
[00:01:41] So how.
[00:01:43] And look, I'm not a marriage expert. I've just been married, okay? And we've been married 30 years. And every time again, I need to check. I think we like each other still more than when we got married. You don't yell at me as much as you used to, so I think it's going good.
[00:02:06] So how do we water our. Our marriages?
[00:02:11] And a number of years ago, there was a book going around, the Five Love Languages.
[00:02:17] Okay? And look, they're just helpful things.
[00:02:23] I wrote them down. Words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.
[00:02:31] And you have them. What is your love language? And what is your spouse's love language? You see, Juliet washes my pants every week, and she puts them in the machine, but it doesn't make me love her more.
[00:02:44] Okay, but.
[00:02:51] Words of affirmation really help me. I put the rubbish out every week and I load the dishwasher every night, but it doesn't make her love me more.
[00:03:04] It should do, because it's hard work, but it doesn't. She wants quality time and conversation.
[00:03:15] Good, quality conversation. That's really hard.
[00:03:20] Be much easier if all I had to do is load the dishwasher.
[00:03:24] Oh, and she likes diamonds. Okay? So that always goes. You see what I'm saying? By knowing each other and what lights each other up, it's like watering the grass, okay? That's just how it works.
[00:03:39] The next thing I want to say to you is, your marriage is more important than your children.
[00:03:45] Your marriage is more important than your children.
[00:03:48] Children are to honor their mother and father, and parents are to try not to exasperate their children too much. The Bible says, and you're to bring them up in the ways of the Lord.
[00:03:58] But the best thing you can do for your children is love your husband or wife.
[00:04:04] If you have a healthy marriage, you will have healthy children because they will grow up in a supported, safe environment if there is health in the home.
[00:04:18] Another thing that will help you water the grass is have fun.
[00:04:24] Sometimes we Forget this. Proverbs 5 says, Rejoice with the wife of your youth. You know, if you're feeling tired in marriage, you're not having enough fun.
[00:04:34] Look, one of the reasons we say the declarations, I know we haven't the last couple of weeks because we've been sowing and there's only so much we can do on a Sunday morning, but we'll bring those back in a few weeks, is because poverty of spirit will rob you of abundant life.
[00:04:54] So the reason we're making the declarations is because we believe that God wants to pour his abundance in us. But often we can come with a poverty of spirit. And what we're saying in the direct declarations is, lord, we believe in you and we believe you want to bless us and transform our lives.
[00:05:14] So. So in marriage or in family life, you're gonna have different pots of money. You know, you'll have your tithe pot, your expenses pot, your savings pot, but you must also have a fun pot, you know? And look, it doesn't matter how much is in them all, but you need a pot where you just have fun. I remember when we first got married and Juliet would go and have her hair done, and, you know, I go, oh, wow, that looks really nice. How much that costs? I go, how much?
[00:05:49] You know, mine was five pound fifty, and it lasted for six months.
[00:05:54] Now it lasts a year, so we're doing great. But I go, how much?
[00:06:00] But what I noticed was, look, she was going to do it anyway. She was going to spend it anyway. But what I was doing by, why are you spending this much money on your hair?
[00:06:09] I was robbing her of the joy of looking good.
[00:06:16] And I Want her to look good. And there's no hope for the hair department for me, but there was for her.
[00:06:25] But what I was coming was with like a poverty of spirit. How much did you. You spend? How much?
[00:06:32] And I'm demeaning because I'm saying, oh, you're not worth that.
[00:06:37] So I've learned not to do that. And just when she walks in from the hairdressers, go, that looks really nice.
[00:06:44] Has the color changed?
[00:06:46] It's always a good question to ask.
[00:06:48] Anyway, she's staring at me. It's all right. We'll get better. Be in the Lord's presence together. Talk to each other about what the Holy Spirit is saying to you. What is he doing?
[00:07:01] You know, do if you're married, do marriage revival group every month where there's a group and it just rolls, okay? And married people can go. And it's, listen, marriage revival group is not for bad marriages.
[00:07:15] It's for good marriages that want to become great marriages.
[00:07:20] Again, the fear is, oh, if I go to marriage revival group, everyone's going to think I've got a bad marriage. No, you go because you've got a good marriage, but you want it to be a great marriage.
[00:07:29] And because you're watering your marriage, you want it to be better.
[00:07:35] Wise people do that. People will pray for you. They'll prophesy over you.
[00:07:41] Don't keep secrets.
[00:07:42] You know, Juliet knows what comes into my email and text before I do.
[00:07:48] She just sees everything. We know where we spend the money, and if we don't have enough, we make decisions together on how we're going to spend what we have.
[00:07:59] You know, our phone tells the other where we are.
[00:08:04] It's not because I don't trust her. It just helps me find her in the supermarket. You can just whiz round. She vanishes.
[00:08:15] Because we are one. You know, it's a funny thing. I look back, we were so different, you know, when you do these personality things.
[00:08:26] We did Myers Briggs. We are absolutely opposite on Myers Briggs.
[00:08:32] But as we have walked together over the 30 years, God is making us one and changing us. Iron sharpens iron.
[00:08:44] You know, we ask the Holy Spirit to burn up the bad stuff and to multiply the good stuff. You know, we always come into marriage, we're baggage.
[00:08:54] And it doesn't matter who you are, where you come, you're going to walk in. Some of you want to get married. You've got baggage. Some of you need to get rid of some of your baggage before you get married. And you go, why, God? Are you not giving me a husband. He's going, you're just carrying too many bags.
[00:09:07] You need to get rid of some of these bags. You know, guys, I don't know why I haven't got a wife. You're just carrying stuff that's not going to help you. It's his mercy and you just need to get rid of some of that. But any you don't get rid of, trust me, he'll deal with it in marriage.
[00:09:23] And it's the coming together. I'm a better person, but because I've walked with Juliet.
[00:09:28] And the Holy Spirit has used our oneness to heal and transform each other.
[00:09:34] So there are lots of marriages right now.
[00:09:38] We've had a lot of marriages this year. And I remember at the end of the summer, I said, well, that's it.
[00:09:43] Oh no, they're still coming. We've got three more weddings to do before the end of the year.
[00:09:48] It's really fun. But many of you have come to Jesus from a non Christian background and you're asking, well, what do we do? Well, the thing I love about this book is this is a manual for life.
[00:10:00] All of your questions are in here. And people ask all the same questions throughout time.
[00:10:08] And so Paul writes this. He says, 1 Corinthians 7, 24 brethren, let each one remain with God in the state in which he was called.
[00:10:19] And Paul is writing in the context of marriage.
[00:10:21] And what he's saying is, however you were when you came to God, stay in that state. So have you been living together outside of marriage? Do you believe you've been called together and you know, get married, get married. You know, God loves your old life as well as new life, so he can call you together in an old life and make it even better in a new life.
[00:10:48] All right, so if that's the case, Make a covenant.
[00:10:58] You're together, you've been living together, you may have children together, then make a covenant. Ecclesiastes says. He says a cord of three strands is not easily broken.
[00:11:09] The husband, the wife, and the Holy Spirit. And sometimes in a marriage ceremony, we'll get the cord and we'll tie it round the hands as the two people make their vows.
[00:11:25] Were you in a relationship of convenience?
[00:11:28] Well, separate and find the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with.
[00:11:33] But if it's just a relationship, you know, and you. I don't know why I was with this person. I'm just being in it.
[00:11:41] Why waste your time? Go and find the right person.
[00:11:47] You're silent.
[00:11:50] I mean it.
[00:11:53] What if the other person hasn't come to Christ?
[00:11:56] Well, love them and stay with them as you may win them over. Peter says 1 Peter 3.
[00:12:02] But if they push you away, you are free to go. 1 Corinthians 7:14.
[00:12:08] What is Paul trying to say?
[00:12:10] Paul is saying, now you're in Christ walking his ways, and marriage is his primary plan.
[00:12:18] And if you're unsure what to do, I would really encourage you just to talk with someone. Talk with someone who carries wisdom. Talk to one of the pastoral staff, talk to one of the community leaders and go, look, this is where I am now. I've come to Jesus and, you know, life's a little bit messy.
[00:12:36] How do I sort this out with him? What does the Bible say? How can I move forward? Because I don't want to stay with all my luggage. I want to put my luggage away and I want to move forward. So just talk about it. But in all of your ways, do not commit adultery. The law says, and most of you could never even imagine doing this. But it does happen, and I'm going to move really quick.
[00:13:01] King David was a man after God's own heart. And he not only commits adultery, but he murders Shiva's husband, who she was a girl he committed adultery with. So find. 2 Samuel, chapter 11.
[00:13:20] Get your Bibles out.
[00:13:23] You're not going to escape reading the Bible. Why don't you stand up?
[00:13:32] We're going to read a few verses. This is the reason we stand, is this is the word of God. There's my words and there's his word. This is much higher. This is what we read.
[00:13:43] 2 Samuel, chapter 11, verse 1. It happened in the spring of the year, the time when kings go out to battle, that David sent Joab and his servants with him and all Israel. And. And they destroyed the people of Ammon and besieged Rabbah. But David remained at Jerusalem.
[00:14:01] Then it happened one evening that David arose from his bed and walked on the roof of the king's house. And from the roof he saw a woman bathing. And the woman was very beautiful to behold.
[00:14:12] So David sent and inquired about the woman. And someone said, is this not Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite?
[00:14:23] And then David sent messages and took her. And she came to him, and he lay with her, for she was cleansed from her impurity. And she returned to her house and the woman conceived.
[00:14:36] So she sent and told David and said, I am with child.
[00:14:41] Grab a seat. We'll stop there.
[00:14:45] If you don't Know this story, it's, it's just about real life.
[00:14:51] God never covers anything up. This book just tells the story of real men and women like you and I, when we're doing well and when we're doing bad. And it tells the story of how he breaks into our life and redeems our circumstances. And this is one of those stories. So you can read the rest of the story at home.
[00:15:11] Well, how could this happen to David? Three things happen.
[00:15:16] It was the time when kings go out to battle. If David was doing his job, he would have been at battle, not idly walking on the roof.
[00:15:26] He was meant to be fighting battles, but he's let everybody else do that.
[00:15:32] It is not good to be idle. It is good to rest. And we all need rest.
[00:15:39] But then we get back to serving the Lord. When you're in the idle state, when you don't know what to do, they're the times when you'll get into trouble. The second thing, he was walking on the roof at night.
[00:15:57] He was just looking.
[00:15:58] He was bored.
[00:16:00] And what you do when you see a woman bathing, you turn away.
[00:16:04] He didn't remember the story of Joseph, but he's in Potiphar's household. Potiphar's wife makes advances and he runs out, out. David hasn't learned that lesson.
[00:16:16] David wasn't trying to escape. David was looking and he was on the roof. And, and you know, it's a bit like channel hopping or, you know, down. I, I don't know if you can download hop anymore, but what, whatever you do, you know, and he was on the roof looking, and it leads him into trouble. It was a conscious decision. Number three.
[00:16:39] He says, go and find out who she is. Whose fault is this?
[00:16:42] The messengers, they could have said, oh, no, David, I don't think this is a good idea. No, it was David's sin. David made a conscious decision in his heart, I am going to do this.
[00:16:54] You know, I talked about tiredness in marriage. David is tired. Battle after battle. You know, look, people often talk about spiritual abuse. I heard someone talking about it recently.
[00:17:05] You wanna, you know, and often when I hear people talking about spiritual abuse, what they're talking about is my feelings got hurt.
[00:17:11] That's not spiritual abuse. Spiritual abuse is when your king has a spear and he's trying to drive it through you and he's trying to kill you and you have to flee for your life and you don't. You only have the clothes on your back and you make a dash for it and you have to hide in Caves and mountains. And you have to act like a mad person in order to save your life. That's spiritual abuse. And that's what happens to David. And David is just tired. How many more battles? How many more fights?
[00:17:43] And so he stays at home. And you know what? Sometimes, you know, God has called us to fight battles and in his strength, win. But there are those moments when we just need rest and that's good.
[00:17:57] But sometimes we're just so tired. The pressures of work, family, children.
[00:18:04] And we go, I'm just going to have a look. I'm just going to walk on the roof. What harm could there be?
[00:18:14] And it's at those times when we're at our most vulnerable. And so we go out on the roof just for a look around.
[00:18:21] And David sees a woman bathing. She was very beautiful to behold. And the devil has him, hook, line and sinker.
[00:18:33] I was at a conference a month or so ago. Ministering woman comes up for prayer. And she says, I think I have a demon of seduction.
[00:18:43] I'm like, well, I'm not gonna pray for you.
[00:18:46] Go away.
[00:18:50] Juliet wasn't with me. And I'm like, looking, looking around, you know, Emily, who needs worship sometimes. Was there Emily, get here. This woman needs prayer help.
[00:19:07] When we first got married, I used to get notes. This is pre. Kind of email. I mean, email was just coming in, you know, it was 90, 94, and email was just coming in. And we had. We had mobile phones, just text messages and all of that. So. And I would. Sometimes I had lots of girls who were friends and they would send little notes or text messages. And it was really interesting because Juliet started answering them and I get a little note. She'd go, hey, is Juliet here? Thanks for your note. Steve's not very good at answering. Or a text message would come through. We only had 160 letters in a text message in those days, so it suited me perfectly. Nice and brief.
[00:19:52] And she'd get on my phone and she'd go, hey, it's Juliet on Steve's phone. He doesn't really. He's not very good with text. You know what really funny thing happened? All the messages stopped.
[00:20:02] No more messages.
[00:20:07] Ladies, someone's going after your man.
[00:20:11] They're flirting a bit.
[00:20:13] Go and tell them to get their grubby hands off your man.
[00:20:22] But I.
[00:20:24] But I trust him.
[00:20:26] He's a good man.
[00:20:30] You might trust him, but do you trust the seductress?
[00:20:35] Listen to this. This is the Bible. This is Proverbs, Proverbs 7, 21, with persuasive words. She led him astray.
[00:20:44] She seduced him with her smooth talk.
[00:20:48] You have to understand, men are stupid.
[00:20:51] Okay? They're just like.
[00:20:55] I can feel it. I can feel it at once.
[00:20:59] He followed her like an ox going to the slaughter.
[00:21:04] You ever seen an ox go to slaughter?
[00:21:06] Like a deer stepping into a noose till the arrow pierces their liver.
[00:21:14] Like a bird darting into a snare, little knowing it will cost him his life dead.
[00:21:29] You might trust your husband, but you don't want to trust them. And vice versa.
[00:21:35] Infidelity in marriage is the biggest cause of poverty in the Kingdom of God. When families break up, not only it causes terrible hardship and heartbreak, but it breaks the progressive blessing of the Lord in your life.
[00:21:49] It stops the generational blessing.
[00:21:53] And I want to say to you, if revival doesn't produce health, it's not revival.
[00:21:58] If you want to stay in revival, walk in wisdom.
[00:22:02] And I really believe that that proverb is just as applicable to the wife as it is the husband. Because it can be either way, okay? It just happens that it's telling the story about the woman seducing the man.
[00:22:16] So how do we guard against this? I know it's one o'. Clock. I'm going to move really quick. Guard your mind. Rather clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ and do not think about how to gratify the desires of a sinful nature.
[00:22:28] Think about your marriage, think about your family.
[00:22:36] Do not look, I know we're inundated. I know we're inundated at the moment with just craziness from media, Internet emails going into stores. But what the Bible says, Guard your mind. Don't think. Refuse to think. Take captive every thought and go.
[00:22:56] I'm not going there.
[00:22:58] Guard your eyes.
[00:23:00] Job says, I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl. Job 31:1. Pornography will destroy your marriage. Time to get free. You know, some of you may want to get married. Do you remember I said that you've got some baggage and the Lord wants to deal with your baggage? Yeah, I think it was a couple of weeks ago, evening service. I was talking about 40 days of purity. Remember Jesus was in the wilderness for 40 days and the devil attacked him.
[00:23:27] Chris and Jason Valatin have written two books. One for guys, one for girls, black one's for guys, red one's for girls. And it's a course of 40 days of working out purity. And if you're. I think everyone should do it. I've done it many times with people here over the years. Get a little group, buy the book, work your way through, talk about it.
[00:23:53] Get things out into the open. Pray for one another, hold each other accountable. Say, we are going to walk in purity because we belong to the Lord.
[00:24:03] Number three, guard your destiny. Make wise decisions. Don't do something that's questionable, like take another woman or man out for a meal. If you're married, if you're single, you're fine to take someone out for a meal because you're never going to get married if you don't, all right? But if you're married, you know, you say, but we're just friends.
[00:24:22] We're just friends.
[00:24:24] Affairs never happen with strangers.
[00:24:27] Affairs happen with friends.
[00:24:29] Here's the funny thing. I've never been approached for sex in Tesco's.
[00:24:34] Not once.
[00:24:38] I don't need to be scared in Tesco's.
[00:24:41] I need to be scared if I make unwise decisions about my destiny with friends.
[00:24:48] Don't talk about marital problems with someone of the opposite sex. It can create unhappy, healthy dependency, you know?
[00:24:56] Yes, talk with guys. Talk with a guy of wisdom.
[00:25:01] Girls talk with a lady of wisdom. You know, one of the reasons that we have mothers and fathers, and I don't just mean natural mothers, fathers, only mothers and fathers in the church, it's because they carry wisdom and they've been on the journey and, you know, sometimes you just need to go to them and say, I want some help.
[00:25:20] Could you tell me how you've got this far?
[00:25:22] Tell me how you traveled on this road and would you pray for me and, you know, if needs be, would you ask me some questions every now again you see me, would you just check how I'm doing? If I'm not telling you, you know, I've already talked about. Don't keep secrets. Read each other's emails and texts. You know, no passwords. Be transparent in all you do. You know, I have a picture of Juliet and the children on my phone, you know, wherever. Look, they're there. Oh, that's you.
[00:25:53] Normally, they're there. Oh, they're there, they're back. But whenever I pick it up, there they are staring at me. She's waving her hand at me. That's just because she loves me, not because she's about to.
[00:26:05] There she is. I maximize the consequences and minimize any pleasure because this is my family and this was God's plan. I don't want it to be destroyed.
[00:26:16] The grass is always greener where it's watered. Good marriages come from well watered lawns. Paul says, do not deprive one another, except with consent for a time that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self control. And you know, basically what he's saying is there's some marriages where you're praying and fasting too much.
[00:26:42] That's what he's saying. I'm just checking. He's saying, you know, you're not praying and fasting too much.
[00:26:47] Come together.
[00:26:49] Ministry is not an excuse to neglect your marriage. In fact, one of the qualifications of ministry is to have a healthy family, spend time together. I've already said children are more important than your marriage. This church is full of babysitters.
[00:27:08] There's hundreds of them.
[00:27:10] All you need to do is feed them and pay them and they will look after your children.
[00:27:16] But do you know there's a knock on effect when your children are little, you are the hero. As they get a little older, they don't think you know quite as much as you know, you know.
[00:27:29] And the beauty of the intergenerational church is you, you want people who are walking with Jesus are a little bit older than your children, who are really on fire for him and going for him. And, you know, I'm thankful for our babysitters. You know, Rachel and Joel were our babysitters. You know, you used to babysit, didn't you? And that look, I mean, look at the state of our children.
[00:27:52] But no, I'm grateful for them. And that's why Rachel married Emma in the summer. She wanted her to do it because they'd babysat, they'd done journeys, they'd done coffees, they'd had talks. And it's a really healthy thing, but it helps our marriage as well because we can go out.
[00:28:11] I don't know if we paid them, but I think, did we ever give it? Did money pass hands? I think. I don't know. It did to Rachel, not you, Joel.
[00:28:23] Okay, and then do you remember we really are done? Almost.
[00:28:29] When we started out this journey, I talked about confession. Remember I said, confession is not sin?
[00:28:36] Yeah.
[00:28:37] So if you are tempted or if your spouse confesses a temptation, it is not sin, but you should put your spiritual senses up.
[00:28:51] Oh, good, he's here. Aaron, come here, come here, come here.
[00:29:07] This is my friend Aaron. All right? And this is going to be a stretch, but imagine I'm Natalie, okay? Don't worry, I'm not going to kiss you. You're going to be safe. And Aaron comes in one night and he confesses and he says, you Know what? I was out of the gig, and there was a beautiful winner. I was a little bit tempted. And Natalie, you know, I.
[00:29:31] I'm telling you because I'm being accountable to you. And Natalie, you know, how did she respond?
[00:29:37] Well, obviously she go, oh, thank you, darling. You know, I'm not going to give you a hug either, but thank you for sharing. That makes me feel all the better. You've said that. Let me just go and get something.
[00:29:54] Who, where, what, when? And your answers will determine how I use this.
[00:30:13] Why am I saying this?
[00:30:15] Because we want to be a healthy church and healthy families and healthy people. And the truth is, nobody's told us how.
[00:30:23] And we think, and she might, and I trust Aaron with my life, but so much is being thrown at him, and so much is being thrown at her. And we defend each other because we're one. And God has called us together, and we're bound together by the Holy Spirit. Thank you.
[00:30:48] What am I trying to say?
[00:30:52] No one wakes up in the morning and says, I'm going to commit adultery.
[00:30:56] It's a gradual slide away from the love of our youth.
[00:31:01] God's plan is that a man and woman will grow old and love each other together.
[00:31:09] When my mother died, my dad literally nearly died of a broken heart. I think, if I remember rightly, he had an aortic a few weeks afterwards.
[00:31:23] And I was talking to the doctor, and he says, you know, this sometimes happens that when people have been together all their life, they can die of a broken heart.
[00:31:32] And they caught it in time.
[00:31:36] And he was absolutely fine.
[00:31:39] My prayer is the marriages in this church would be so strong and healthy that we would be one. And I know there may well be people, and you've lost your husband or your wife, and there is an ache in your heart, and it feels like your heart is broken, and it will never, ever be repaired. And let me tell you something. You have experienced something very precious. You've experienced exactly what the Lord feels over the lost.
[00:32:09] You've experienced what he planned before the creation of the world, that a man and woman would leave their family and they would come together and be one flesh. And you have experienced it.
[00:32:22] Now, yes, you may well move on and move on with your life, but that pain should never go completely because. Because you were.
[00:32:38] And it was God's plan. And what you have is very, very precious.
[00:32:45] And my. My prayer, in fact, stand up, because I'm. I'm pretty much done.
[00:32:51] And if you're standing, And if you're standing up, I won't keep going, so you're okay.
[00:33:03] My prayer is that you guys that are looking for husbands and wives, that you will prepare.
[00:33:12] Use this time to prepare for the right person, okay? Be in the Lord's presence. Talk to him, okay? Ask him. Get in groups to pray for the right husband, the right wife. That they would. That they would come. That they would come along.
[00:33:29] You that are married, war to your marriage.
[00:33:33] Because there is an enemy and he's prowling like a lion and he wants to pull you apart, but we will not let him.
[00:33:41] All of us will defend each other before the Lord and pray for one another. And if we see things, we'll speak out. Even at the risk of feeling foolish or people going, ah, you're just. That's just stupid. You said it because you love them.
[00:34:02] And I want to say to everyone, do not commit adultery. Commit marriage.
[00:34:08] Thanks for listening to the Coma Church Podcast. If you enjoyed this message, you can like and subscribe. You can also join us in person or online every Sunday at Cromer Church. For more information about us, including our ministries, events, worship, and how to donate, visit our website at Chroma Church.
